So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
