I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
