she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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