cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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