i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
