It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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