After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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