I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
