i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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