He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
