I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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