Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
