I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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