He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
