i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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