I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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