Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
