I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize
