Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
