We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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