You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
