I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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