I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
