I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
