problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
