I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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