im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
