If that was your dad, he is hot
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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