before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
