By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
