evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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