That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
