remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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