I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
