if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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