Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
