I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
