So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
