You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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