Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
