Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Still dying that you shit outside
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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