I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
