What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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