i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
