i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
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