I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
