I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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