zippers are such a cool invention
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
