I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
