Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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