do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
