I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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