i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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