i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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