Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
