You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I cut my penus on the lid.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
