I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
