I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
