A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize