Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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