the new term for farting is butt boxing.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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