Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
